The world forgetting, by the world forgot

+ finger shows signs of healing faster than i expected. perhaps i got some kind of mod that speeds up health regen?

+ it's not ideal or a long-term solution, but! hurrah for sorting out how i ought to be able to make it more months without income. many more months if unemployment gets extended. am pondering whether i want to chance some of this money, shorten my cushion by up to a month, and pay for having the cd pressed...

- yet another person came to me today to say, "what?!?!" and "i'm worried" and such about the blindness situation. yes, i know. me too. and because there's nothing really active i can do about it, i think about it. i like to think i'm just keeping an eye out for something i hadn't noticed yet, some way to help. i don't think i'm "thinking too much" on this one. that said, i realised that part of the blindness is being reinforced by the person being a really, really good person. oh, irony.... at least, with every person who approaches me about this, my own clarity is confirmed.

+ did some good work on one of the new songs we're working on. and, whilst doing that, an accident led to a new riff. which means there will soon be one more song on the "develop" list. happiness.

+ went to pick up a soldering iron from hallerlake and was surprised by the gift of a nerf gun. he must have heard me saying, Christmas evening, that i needed more such things...

+ with the exception of dropping off one form, hours of financial sorting were done on the phone with a really helpful and lovely man or online. with the requisite poking at my spreadsheets. and loads of gratitude for the unexpected silver linings of failing to accomplish something earlier this year.

side of ponder:
have been pondering how my time is filled whilst unemployed. i always felt too busy whilst employed. these last nearly-six months without a job have been odd. i've gotten enough sleep (not every night, but being able to make up for that the next night makes it easier). i've gotten to sleep on my body's natural schedule (which you can deduce is not what most people consider "normal") and that's let me feel more rested overall and have more good hours to access my creative energy. i've made it through good chunks of projects, and i've gotten a better perspective on which lingering projects just aren't important to me. i've baked and cooked. i've rescued some relationships and, i think, made others richer (though still haven't managed all the reconnecting i've hoped...for a girl who has high standards for friends and loves her alone time, i've got more good people in my life than i could ever do justice). i've stayed busy...not insanely so, because insanely busy means i'm not getting enough hours to sleep. but i've had few hours over these months that i didn't easily fill. when people complain that they get bored without a job, i only intellectually get it. i don't get it on a deeper level, because i haven't gotten bored yet.

i look at what putting work back into my life would do, and i squirm. don't get me wrong on this. i'm job hunting and definitely would appreciate things like dependable income and health insurance (i feel really blessed i've not needed to see a doctor and that my vision and dental were caught up enough that i'm not fretting over the appointments i cancelled...though i am keeping a careful eye on my few prescriptions...), so it's not like i'm only going to consider taking my dream job. plus, i'm not averse to work. i take satisfaction in jobs well done, especially when i'm working on something that matters to me. though i can get that from taking care of my household, my ferrets, my family, my music, my friends. contrary to appearances, i do not actually just play on the computer all day every day. hehehe.

but living on my body's sleep schedule...having every opportunity to get enough sleep most every night...being available to do what i can for and with the ferrets and family when they need/want me as opposed to trying to cram it in...not having to fit my schedule into the game of calendar tetris that is needed for band things...knowing i can stop what i'm doing at most any moment and write or record when a new thing hits me...the silence that i can have loads of here or at the bff's....and on and on....that stuff has become priceless.

i'm really hoping that whatever my next source of income is offers me flexibility of schedule, at the very least. in the past, i've had plenty of gigs that let me work when and where i pleased, as long as i sent projects in on time. unless the band breaks (hey, you never know), i'm hoping my next gig is like those...the "when and where i please" means the only issue that would come with the new gig is fitting it in without impacting the things that are most important. because that's one thing i'm feeling strongly now, more strongly than ever...i knew most of what was important to me prior to this period. but being able to focus on that has deeply confirmed it in me. it will certainly affect my approach to the future.

i don't do new year's resolutions. that very name makes me cringe. and no year has gone at all as expected for the last 6+ years. but i do like to sit at the change of year and set some goals. i know all about how to set goals. i can feel things stirring and brewing in the back of my mind in anticipation of doing that at the end of this week. and i'm dead curious to see what i come up with. because i'm living in an unprecedented situation for me, because there are things i know the future holds that are just as unprecedented, because i'm quite a different and better me from the one i was before (though i was partly to here this time last year, so maybe that's not such a factor), and because i can be sure that life will do bizarre things to make most those goals unimportant or unnecessary or something. hehehe

you deserve clarity of vision.
you deserve people in your life who don't make you feel like a bad person when you aren't.
you deserve to be loved for who you are and what you give, not what someone imagines you could or should be.
you deserve to live without constant worry of a misstep, of invoking upset when you've done no wrong.
you deserve to be treated with straight-forwardness and honesty, not manipulation and passive-aggressive tactics.
you deserve to know when you have tried enough, or more than enough, and it's okay to try a different way.
you deserve to always remember what a truly good person you are, and not to have those good parts of you called into question.
you deserve a lot of things.

most people do.
i even believe this for people i don't like.
but extra believe and try to help these things happen for people i *do* like.
and i hope you live to get these things.
i hope, even if something has taken me from your life, that you know i am always wishing these things for you.
i hope you allow yourself to see.

it's time to open your eyes :)

xxx

the dairy-free cheesecake turned out brilliantly. (and the little cuisinart food processor i borrowed has me thinking there's room in my kitchen for such an appliance once there are funds again.)

in fact, all of Christmas dinner was a very nice time and tasty. sirloins from my cow, cooked on the grill, so tender and lovely. latkes. coleslaw. yum.

nice sitting around time with the bff and his brother (aka my other brother).

plenty of killing things with the bff over the last while, which has led to me becoming (apparently) quite okay as a sniper. (once there are funds again, there will be a gaming headset. and there will be star trek online--it comes out 2 february, with access on 30 january for pre-orders, which i need because there's a piece of pre-order loot i want. anyway, the bff and i make a good team, which i already knew. but this last round of things has extra-confirmed it and made me quite happy.)

apparently, my talk at church went amazingly today. (i felt okay about it, but the response from others and the number of times i heard it referred to in the meetings after suggests i was the only person who only felt okay.)

cat issue that necessitated vet visit was more straight-forward and easily dealt with than anticipated. and cat was a trooper to an extent thoroughly unexpected. she's the best cat ever.

hand-me-down t-shirt i rather like fits nicely.

and on and on.
none of the big victories i was hoping for this year.
yet.
because, you know, the year's not over yet.
hehehe

but little things add up.
and i am finding great value in little things.
lots of love in little things.
lots of reasons to believe.
to know, in some cases.

so, we'll see what the last handful of days of this year hold.

and then we see just how the world plans to deliver on 2010's cyberpunk promises. or "the year we make contact" promises. though i've pretty much made peace with the lack of flying cars.

hey, nerds, remember when we played cyberpunk and thought about what 2010 would be like? yeah, look how old you are in 2010. we *are* the cyberpunk generation. if we reproduce now (or did within the last 7 or fewer years), our kids will be the cybergen generation. my mind broke a little when i realised that....in good news, due to carbon plague, many of you will get to spend that college fund you started for junior on something for yourself instead. hehehe

bed time.
head full of the laughs and good times and unexpected compliments from the bff tonight.
warm heart.
feeling like all i want is on the verge of being.
glad for the fabulous people in my life who make life good. and glad, in all honesty, for those who've made it harder for me and loved ones recently because they also made me more mindful of myself. made it so that i'm consciously choosing ways and behaviours unlike theirs. trying to learn, by watching them, how it is i don't think life ought to be lived or people ought to be treated. i really think it's helping me be a better person. so, honestly, grateful.
grateful for the abundance in my life, even if it doesn't include money just now.
grateful for hope.
grateful for beautiful things and creativity.
grateful for a very densely spiritual last couple of years.
yep.
warm, loved, grateful.
exactly what i want to feel during this holiday.

-----------

dear johnny,

every little kindness is a gift. every time you are unlike my history. every shared moment in your busy life. just having you as my best friend ever is the sort of gift i never expected from life. that, and the best cat ever. loads of love and warmth for you. to extents i am sure i will never be able to fully express, even if i try. (share some with leia. there's plenty.)

------------

dear chosen family,

i know your lives are busy and i know it's not the sort of ideal times we once had. but your love and goodness are gifts that keep me gooey all year, not just at Christmas. love you truly.

--------------

dear biological/legal family,

i hope you're all sleeping snugly, and waking soon to bright times with each other. we're an odd, varied lot. that we stick by each other is a great gift to me, both in the way you stick by me and in the chance to stand by you and see the world differently. mad love and peace to you.

----------------------

dear friends of all sorts (including those i already mentioned in the other bits),

when the world seems full of stupid, mean people, your very existence is a gift. not just because you aren't that, but because it helps me keep faith in humanity and remember that there are plenty of good people as well. and, even if there's little you can do for the troubles in my life, i know how sincerely you all care and would help if you could. i wish you clarity of vision (for eyes, mind, heart, and spirit) and an end to blindness. i wish you easy endings where those would be best, and good beginnings that follow swiftly after. i wish you belief in your own greatness. and i love you. i do


now, time to take my unceasingly sentimental self to bed. all glowy and warm in my heart.

xxx

i need one of those lan party backpacks.
i kept thinking of buying one before i lost my job.
tonight, as i lug a box in my arms, i will add making sure i do that to my "time machine" list.
hehehe

you know. the time machine list.
the stuff you'd go back and tell yourself if you had a time machine.
i've made sure to keep mine all pretty inconsequential.
though i could never do it.
i know i'd buy the backpack and come back to a future/present where you've all turned into giant hamsters.

not that i have anything against hamsters.
but you'd all look really freaky with your cheeks so full of food....

just another quality post. yay!

ps to be fair, i'm so excited about why i'm hauling the box out that i'm not actually complaining here. i am just randomly sharing. so that i can picture you all as giant hamsters...ahahaha!

pps have been having a pretty good week. am blessed with fab people. not to sound all sappy, but having the bff i have (with handy cat accessory!), my awesome kith and kin, my friends, my mum home from hospital, and etc etc? yeah, this is why i don't stress over gifts. i get that happiness comes from inside. and is liberally assisted by having the right people in my life (and walking away from the relationships that are drama and struggle--that's my gift to me). i hope you're all at least as blessed as i am, with lots of happy-assisting people. <3

ppps dear leia, new journal theme is for you. who loves you? that'd be me.

pppps someday, i will remember to make some updated user pics. really...heh.

thought i'd do a last post before the holiday hits.
not because i will be insane with the things most people will be, mind you. but because i plan to spend all my minutes sleeping, spending time with the bff and other brother, and that sort of thing. so, here are bullets for you:

* mum went home from hospital tuesday, much earlier than expected. very, very cool.

* after a couple days of keeping my finger bandaged up firmly, i decided to let it breathe a little today. it was pruny as could be and unnaturally pale (even for me) where the bandage was. i say it was these things....in reality, many hours later, it is simply slightly less these things. hadn't really looked at it well at all before this. sunday night was all blood, and the re-bandaging moments have all been quick as i head out to obligations (well protected by the super hero bandages...hehehe). i got myself good. wow. but it's not bleeding, so i'm just going to let it heal without any extra assistance. i'm sure it will scar. i think it's the poor circulation in my hands that leads to me not healing there well at all. every little thing my hands experience leaves a mark. fortunately, i aspire to rock stardom, not hand model-dom. a wise choice on my part.

* got taken to thai food by my brother and his wife to start my day. they are in from the east coast to visit all the parents and such. they're lovely people, and the conversation was good. some kid is going to be lucky to be theirs.

* have heard rumours of a job opportunity. however, it is apparently not yet time for me to work, as i keep playing phone tag. honestly, i'm available all but a few minutes a day. i'll wake up to take the call. just, you know, if i'm in the bathroom or showering, it's not going to happen. guess when my phone always rings? in truth, i'm totally amused.

* took a nap post-lunch (because lunch happened earlier than normal wake up time) and had a very realistic dream about the situation where someone is being blind. i said some very straight-forward things to the party in the wrong in that situation...not mean, but just blunt. woke up thinking "i am so going to get in trouble for that!" then couldn't decide whether i was relieved not to have to deal with repercussions of bluntness or sad i didn't actually say that...

* so, yes, i will be spending my holiday time sleeping, playing video games, eating, making a quick cat vet trip, and other such things with the bff. and some with my other brother as well. i'm very much looking forward to it. in fact, i'm going to start now. i have skags to shoot...

lots of light and good wishes to you all. warmth and clarity. courage and hope. whether you're celebrating a particular holiday or just enjoying some time off.

xxx

i realise that i am about to say some things that may be...controversial. but i hope, before you dash off an angry comment, you'll read the whole thing and you'll keep in mind that my mum is part of the group of people i'm talking about.

right now, there are a lot of people in my life who have chronic or terminal illnesses. some of these folks are just people i know, and some of them are people i love dearly. including my mum. i watch their struggles and truly do have compassion for even the ones i don't like. i ache for their troubles and cheer their triumphs. but i'm also watching their partners, for those who have partners.

i've had a close view of what it is to be a partner to someone with a chronic or terminal condition for years. partly through my dad and partly through a good friend. and, especially as things just go on and on, which they will do with things chronic or terminal....you know the person isn't going to get better. in fact, you know they're just going to get worse. and what they need from their partner and what their limitations are will only increase. so that even the most independent person is going to need help and support. and that need is only going to increase.

typically, in such situations, you have two scenarios:
1. the partner sticks around for good and is hailed as a hero. no one asks why they stay.
2. the partner leaves and is criticised for it. no one asks why they left.

i think, however, it's more complex. and i have come to realise that i'm not able to hail the one who stays as a hero or condemn the one who leaves without more information. not that, frankly, it's my place to judge either way. and i'm not saying my dad ought to leave my mum, because we've talked and i know his motivations for staying. so i'm happy to consider him a hero. but....

we all have issues, things about us that make it so we aren't a good idea for a long-term relationship with just anyone. (and this is on top of the fact that there are non-issues that also make even the coolest of us not the best idea for just anyone.) you may have noticed from previous posts (here and in my other blog) that i have become much less judgemental about reasons people break up. (you hate how i wear my hair? hey, i don't want a partner who is constantly thinking how i don't look good. and, really, you hate it enough to consider breaking up? maybe that would be for the best.)

i don't think you ought to stick around in a relationship where you're miserable. sure, i'm a fan of trying to work out issues. but if you can't work it out, it's reasonable to consider leaving. i have friends who are in relationships they know aren't the best, but they aren't breaking up because they don't want to be known as that person who abandoned their sick partner. especially in situations where part of why they want to leave is that they really can't cope with the physical issues anymore or they realise that the future is just going to get harder. and i guess my question, to their partners, would be, "do you really want a partner who is staying with you just to avoid being the guy who leaves you because you're sick?"

and that's why i can't hail everyone who stays as a hero, or condemn all those who leave. because i have watched the partners i know struggle. bless them and their efforts. it is not easy. but intentions are so important. why you stay or why you go.

if you're staying to prove a point...
if you're thinking "i can't leave him/her over this illness, because that makes me bad"

i'm just not sure you're right.
in fact, your sick partner probably deserves a chance to find someone who is staying because the amazingness of their love and the awesomeness of the relationship is so big that it overwhelms the increasing physical (and, let's be honest, mental and emotional) issues. we all deserve that sort of relationship.

back when i was reading things that made it clear that, given my mum and given where i live, i'm at a greater risk for MS, i was dating someone who proclaimed, "don't worry! i'll push you in your wheelchair when we're old and grey!" i remember calmly looking at this person and saying, with a smile on my face and love in my voice, "no you won't. and that's okay. it's a hard situation, and it would take a whole lot of love and work to stick around through it. i don't expect that of you." they looked shocked. then said, "you're really not mad to think i wouldn't do that?" and i wasn't. even as a child and not a partner, i had already dealt with enough little pieces of my mum's MS and what it meant to live with and support her. this was before things got to wheelchairs and worse. and i knew that not just anyone would be able to stay by her. and i was okay with that.

so, how very sincerely wonderful for those of you who have the sort of relationship that can healthily survive a chronic or terminal illness. that's a beautiful thing. really, we all ought to have that, whether or not we ever get such illnesses.

and those of you sticking around because you feel bad that their illness is part of why you're leaving? ugh. i feel very sorry for you and for them. and i hope one of you sorts it out quickly so they can find a partner with whom to have the other kind of relationship and you can go find a partner whose issues fit better with what you can handle and with whom you can also have that other kind of relationship.

honestly, i just don't believe in grimly sticking with a relationship for the sake of sticking with a relationship or to not look like the bad guy.

please keep your disagreeing comments polite. i'm sincerely up for polite discussion. i recognise that i'm missing the viewpoint of someone who actually has a chronic/terminal illness. and, even if their intentions aren't the ones i'd hope, i truly do appreciate the efforts made by those who have partners with such illnesses.

just so it doesn't get buried in the last post...
have switched back to public as my default posting level.
which means i won't precede titles with "public" anymore to indicate that they are, well, public.
please remember this if you post comments.

(i say a little more about this toward the end of the last post, if you're curious.)

looking to adopt is not about me.
it's about the fact i know at least two great couples (including one of my siblings and his wife) who are, as his wife says, looking for their juno. apparently, in such cases, word of mouth is key. so, because i love both these couples and think any kid would be lucky to be part of their families, and because you never know who will know someone...in at least one case, travel is no issue. so you don't need to be local to me or the couple. if you know or cross paths with someone who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption, drop a note my way.

in other randomness.....

i tried to cut off my fingertip today. mostly to mimic my bff, because you know i have no personality of my own...fortunately, to accurately mimic him, i had to fail and i had to not require medical attention. at this point, i believe i succeeded in failing. it's a nice, deep cut, but it's only been a couple hours and the blood loss was pretty well contained by the second bandage i applied. though the third bandage shows some signs that this attempt to type is not appreciated. but this is still not all bad, because it won't impede my theoretical guitar playing much and it allows me, once again, to bust out my many awesome (aka made for kids) bandages. currently, the hulk is howling from my finger. nifty! (i'm glad i failed, because my next thing was going to be to try to mimic my grandfather on the battlefield and use superglue to fix it. and i'm betting that would sting....)

have been thinking a lot about people who have many "things." not items. but you know, we've all got a topic or a cartoon character or a show that is our "thing." it's not just a hobby or even a strong interest. we've invested some part of ourselves in people identifying that as part of who we are. when people see it or think of it, they think of us. they know what to get us for Christmas because it's our "thing." in the last 5 or so years, my "things" have pretty well mellowed or disappeared. i like that. anyway, last night i was thinking about people i know who have multiple "things." like they're trying to make sure you can't look anywhere without thinking of them. like they're using their "things" as props for their own lack of confidence or for holes in their personality. i'm not knocking "things" in general. and i don't mean to imply nasty feelings for those people. i'm more pondering, with some concern, the affect of people who have multiple "things." especially when these "things" are common to people like them. i know that one or two topics, etc in my life have become tiresome of late because of people who are very loud about those being their "things." and they're common "things", so i find myself wanting to smack friends. yow. or i find myself fighting a knee-jerk reaction to throw things out or change things in my own life just to avoid those "things." anyway, the non-complaining point of this is really that i'm digging having a number of strong interests without feeling like i really have a "thing" these days. and i'm digging that i have been able to look past the knee-jerk reactions and not let other people's issues cause me to toss out interests. because, as my other brother would say, that's just stupid. (i heard his voice in my head last night as i had a spot of cranky over this issue.) and i guess i feel kind of blessed because i know my own lack of "things" is due to the self-confidence and self-knowledge i've been blessed to pile up the last few years. (if i'm going to be known for my serious love of or involvement in something, i want it to be the amazing people in my life and my music. but that's different. even the things i love lots--like sushi, manic street preachers, stars--are just things i love lots. they aren't me.)

have been thinking that the start of this year was...unexpectedly brilliant. i'm hoping it has the decency to wrap up as nicely. or surpass itself.

i love that borderlands lets us set up private online games. for those times when it's 01:00 and you just want to shoot skags and listen to adorable robots. though i have now added a headset to my little list of wants. because the echo of my voice through the bff's speakers and back into his mic is so very "long distance phone calls in the 80s." heh.

my little list of wants...i have avoided the Christmas/birthday list thing this year. not that i don't have some little wants, but they all seem silly in the face of the big needs. plus, the few folks i know plan to gift me know me well enough to sort out silly things i'll love without prompting. besides, i'm in a purging phase, not a gathering phase. so any little thing is like an unexpected treasure.

in all seriousness, i believe in miracles. i also believe in epiphanies and other moments of sudden clarity and sight. i believe in last minute saves and in suddenly realising that you've had strong feelings you just didn't notice. i believe in unexpected strength to do hard things when you find yourself faced with them, and in buried courage that surfaces to help you face hard things or make unplanned changes to your life. i believe in people who follow their instincts showing up at just the right moment to be what you need just then. i believe in souls that click instantly on meeting and change the lives of those who've met (and sometimes those around them) for good, for life. i believe, though the reasons are sometimes human stupidity and though i'm not always good at acknowledging it in the moment, that all things happen for a reason and, if you're following your intuitions/heart, can be for your overall good. i don't believe in coincidences. and all of this believing is based on personal experience. and that's why i can build my present and future on them.

i'm going to go back to having public posts as a default. i'm going to leave the past locked, for reasons previously noted (though, as previously noted, i'm happy to give most anyone access to those locked posts if they don't have it already). but this isn't a journal for woes, for passive-aggressive manipulation or attacks, for garnering pity. my life, though there are some things i desperately need/want, is a good life. it is full of goodness. at worst, i think, my posts are on the long side and ponder-y. but i'd like to think that they're worth reading. at least a few people have said that what they read here helps them. i don't know that that's my primary intent, but i like it. and if i have anything to hide, i'm best not to post it online at all. so, i'll probably make a separate post just so people don't miss it and think they're posting comments to a private thread when they aren't. but, yes, public. (haven't done any private posts since i posted publicly about why i had gone private, and i keep having to post, and then edit to make it public. in short, laziness prevails.)

okay, i have to go be thoughtful for a bit. turns out i'm speaking in church next week, which i love doing, so i want to get it right. (if you're one of the folks who's expressed curiosity about my church, next sunday is the one to come check it out. the other speaker is my guitarist jason, who is also awesome. plus, with the holidays, loads of people will be out of town, and we always enjoy playing to a larger crowd. heh.)

xxx

lots of random bits in my head today, of varying depth. so this is a random spilling of said thoughts. and i may or may not note the conversations and such that led to the ones that are deeper. if you're curious, you can ask ;)

* my mum had unexpected surgery this week. it was the sort of thing that started as a very unhappy phone call but seems, for her situation, to be resolving okay. we even got a little bit of a miracle in there. and it seems she might be home from the hospital by Christmas. one lovely thing from this has been the response from those in my life. the outpouring of love and support, the best friend who listened to what i needed to say and was an ocean of calm so i never really freaked out, the friend who emailed me to say something horribly inappropriate but amusing so that i got a laugh just when needed....and this big sense of calm, that all was as it should be and not without reason....yeah, it wasn't awesome and we aren't really out of the woods until she's out of the hospital. but this has not been the horror story we anticipated.

* my money situation is Not Good. please, government, do not get so caught up in destroying the health care bill that you forget to sign the paper that will extend unemployment benefits. because even with that, Bad Things are about to happen to my finances and my credit. that said, i'm still feeling really calm about it. i have always managed. this time, it's just a bit tighter than before. so, no holiday cards or gifts from me this year. no social things that require me to spend money. and i know none of you expect that, but know that i am full of good intentions. and, really, isn't my love enough? hehehe

* had a call today from a girl friend who had a good moment last night in the realm of romantic love. a very happy call. my head is now filled with the top 5 things i've been taught about love either from movies (which rarely actually say realistically useful things about love) or wise people in my life. and i am sharing. because i'm just that magnanimous.
- it's better to be alone than to be with someone for the wrong reasons. "i'd rather be right." (thank you, some kind of wonderful)
- when you first meet the person who's the right answer for spending the rest of your life with, it's all giddiness and excitement. and that is awesome. but what you want, and how you know you've found a keeper, is the comfort. the calm. doing the day-to-day. a love that isn't all excitement but is a deep, comfortable calm. because you're going to have day-to-day with them. and excitement ought to be the frosting, not the cake. (i'm badly recounting it, i'm sure, but thanks to c.i. for that.)
- actually, all the other things in my top 5 are in other posts i've made here or on the other blog. so i won't repeat. but you can refresh yourself by reading both blogs. neither is huge....you can look for the relationship tag on the other blog. and here, well, you can skim to refresh yourself. heh.

* many times this week, i have been reminded how awesome it is to have a best friend where your brains work together well. whether it's because you have the same reference points and ways of thinking, or because you fill in good ideas where the other has missed them. (in related news, yay for johnny's brain and trillie's goodness! i'm going to get a sample of boss orange. i am.)

* i've been watching a situation that worries me. you've noticed that. one of the good things that has come from that, as you may also have noticed, is some mindfulness. from that, one thing i've done is i've started a list of promises for the person who gets to have a future with me, in a future where miracles bring it all together. (hey, i believe in miracles. so that's not actually a sarcastic statement.) i've watched things that are just not okay, and from that come up with things it is my sincerest intent never to do and always to do. been an interesting effort in self-exploration as well. for so many reasons, someone will be very, very lucky to spend the rest of their lives with me. which is why i'm not settling for anyone short of someone that i'll be very, very lucky to spend the rest of my own life with.

* there will be a dairy-free baked cheesecake for Christmas. unless the person letting me use their food processor falls through...oh my stars, i hope it works. because no one ought to be deprived of cheesecake forever.

* i need to borrow a soldering iron to fix one circuit on a guitar. anyone local have one i can grab very soon? i will bring you half a loaf (the other has already found a new home) of the apple bread recipe that we liked best.

* yeah, i had loads of apples. i still have loads, but have as many loads. the first half the loads was used up in experimenting with making apple bread. loads of it. and applesauce, but that was easy and quick. none of the bread was bad. it was all, i think, tasty. fortunately, one recipe was the clear favourite, so i can just choose that one to put in my cook book (though the second favourite was quite good in a different way, so i guess that one will go in as well).

* after even my dad has said he watches it (my dad avoids tv), i may have to find and catch up on castle. i meant to watch it, anyway, as nathan fillion is the star....

* on a related note, due to david tennant being brilliant, i may have to at least try to catch "rex is not your lawyer" when it airs. i shall pretend he's the doctor, just having an extended stay. i'm sure that will help....still sad i missed him as hamlet.

* very soon, i shall have to feed myself mashed potatoes with blue cheese crumbles and bacon. yep. (my head is so full of food i want to eat. all. the. time. i really ought to take up more physical activity. it's all going to catch up with me eventually. and i refuse to stop eating the good stuff.)

* i wish we could do pre-orders on the varnish EP. and then finance the pressing that way. big bands get to do all the cool stuff. heh.

* my friend ernest wrote a brilliant book. i haven't really been reading much the last many years, to be honest. but i'm glad that he asked me to be a reader. and i can't wait until you uber-geeks who read have a chance to read this. it will make your geek glands swell.

* my best friend, you have noticed, is recording an album with his main band. the more i hear, the more eager i am for all of you to hear what he's doing. the boy is so talented that it would be a shame if the future weren't full of rock stardom for him. seriously.

* still on a quiet crusade against blindness. sadly, it does not appear to be going anywhere. but i believe in me. and i believe in my cause. and i believe in those for whom i crusade. so it will work out.

* had a disturbing dream the other night about someone for whom i have deep compassion. what's interesting to me is that the times i venture to mention this compassion in the waking world, people believe me. anyway, in this dream, i tried to communicate my compassion...and the way they responded was so spot-on and horrible and made my heart ache...when i woke up, i realised that it would be fruitless to ever try to help this person believe. that, plus some other things that came with the dream, allowed me to let go of that intent. the compassion is there, but i'm now okay that this person will never believe me. and i'm going to keep acting on that compassion, but have no intent to try to communicate it to them. somehow, that feels like a big burden lifted. probably because my subconscious knew better, and i hate when i have impossible goals.

* gamestop, that your coupon codes don't seem to be working on pre-order is not okay. i would like to kick you. (related: dear future employment, hurry up. i need to afford a monthly fee...)

okay, it's time to feed myself and sort my night. which, given the hours i keep, is really sorting my day. hope you're all in the middle of a lovely weekend.

xxx